Archive for the ‘On the Subject of Parenthood’ Category
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Sunday, June 27th, 2010
From relishing not being pregnant yet to spending the weekend babysitting our 9-month old nephew—what a delightful contrast the last few days have been for me and Craig. I can’t think of a better way for us to make peace with our poor struggling minds. And by that I mean taking care of my nephew gave us a lot of reassurance that we are far more ready mentally than we give ourselves credit for.
Craig and I had so much fun taking him starting Saturday morning. We had him overnight Saturday and my older sister came to pick him up around 4 p.m. on Sunday afternoon. So he was a pretty big part of our weekend. And he was like pure therapeutic joy for us.
I think that somewhere in us being so overwhelmed with the thought of being pregnant and WHAT ARE WE DOING and that panic of NOT READY! NOT READY, we forgot that having a kid is fun. We forgot that you figure things out as you go along, on the fly, through trial and error. Having a kid makes you an instant team. You get to belly laugh when he’s making lip-smacking noises while negotiating sticky, slimy banana pieces for breakfast.
You also learn that cutting up the banana pieces too small makes for an instant mess as a 9-month old can’t pick up the pieces fast enough to get them into his mouth.
Having some down time with a 9-month old is snuggly.
Morning breakfast! Craig does such an incredible job of being on from the moment he wakes up. He does such a wonderful job feeding, playing, stroller pushing, interpreting my horrific verbal directions when there's a tired baby in waiting—quick! grab the cloth thingy off the thingy from the dining room!—Craig’s calming presence and sense of humor makes all the difference.
It is exciting watching my nephew discover every mirror in the house and want to kiss the baby he sees. It’s gratifying when he takes a bottle like a champ, squeals when you kiss his belly while changing his diaper, goes down for a nap like clockwork, and lights up with a smile when you come into the room to get him up from his crib.
I had never had that post-nap intimacy with a baby before. Last time we babysat him, he came out of his naps still pretty cranky, and not sure if he wanted to see me. But this time was just awesome. He got so excited when I came into the room, smacking his hands together and cooing and banging his feet up and down on the crib bed. His eyes were wide and bright with a smile that tugged at all those parts of me that need to be nurtured and reminded that I can do this!
And then when you ask him if he’s ready to get up and he reaches his arms out so you can pick him up… ah… what an indescribable feeling. I needed that this weekend.
I needed to spend this time with both my nephew and with Craig. I needed to be forced to slow down. When you are with a baby, you become very aware of time, chunks of time, being productive in little snippets of time. And as a result, you really live in the moment. The present becomes extraordinary. Instead of feeling like my weekend was gobbled up because I was “on duty”, I really feel like I got to relax and just BE this weekend.
Practicing the crawl. So cool to see him on the verge. Any day now!
Craig and I laughed a ton. We were silly. We swayed back and forth to the music of The Rainbow Connection during play time. We took the stroller out and were reminded how much we love our neighborhood. We napped when the baby was napping. We still got laundry done and dishes washed. We even got to visit with Craig’s parents. Life didn’t end.
We really lucked out. My older sister kept thanking us for babysitting. But I should be the one thanking her.
Coming off a stressful wondering sort of week and wrestling with so many life questions, we were reminded this weekend that we have a lot to look forward to. And it is perfectly okay to slow it down and get to where we want to go at our own pace.
Tags: gratitude, laughter therapy, pregnancy
Posted in On the Subject of Parenthood | 2 Comments »
go with the flow
Thursday, June 24th, 2010
It’s been a week. A long one. But a good one. And I am feeling tired and grateful.
Let’s talk garden and life, shall we?
So I tried planting a bunch of flowers from seed this year behind my lettuces. And well, it isn’t working out so much.
Can you spot the actual flowers?
Yeah, so I planted all these flower seeds in an attempt to grow sunflowers, zinnias, asters, and more. But all I’m seeing grow is weeds. And interspersed in all these weeds are gigantic chipmunk holes. And then earlier this week I saw this crazy clump of weeds? growing in my back raised garden bed. And what do you know… I could see the remnants of sunflower seed shells in the soil and on the ends of the leaves. And then the very next day, something had come along and chomped off all the leaves.
So... I'm thinking a chipmunk dug up my sunflower seeds and either deposited
them in the back garden bed or pooped them out there. And then proceeded
to eat the remnants.
Seriously? Yeah. I’m not pleased. Next year I think I will just buy annual flower starts. All I wanted was a flower cutting garden! Instead I’ve got weeds and ridiculously happy chipmunks.
In the midst of all of this, Craig and I were very much in the middle of wondering if we could maybe be expecting. Because my cycle was really off this month. No fun. And that was all it took to throw us into a little bit of disarray. The odds of us actually being pregnant were not very high, but when things don’t go quite like clockwork, your mind starts to blow things out of proportion and wreak havoc on your body.
And it’s not like we haven’t been so seriously contemplating parenthood over these last several weeks, right? I think the stress and wonder of it all threw my body off even more. But we are not expecting. And dare I say we are relieved. Is that wrong?
We are just not quite ready yet. Even if we are READY. But being ready theoretically and being ready ACTUALLY have proven to be quite a juxtaposition for us. Even if it were to be. We would embrace the possibility full-on. But we didn’t want to be there yet. We have learned a lot about ourselves this week. I got to confront my anxieties head on, and it wasn’t pretty. I realized how incredible and scary it is to not know what your own body is up to. Imagine the first 14 weeks! Yikes.
I also realized that mental preparation for a child is so critical. The whole visualization thing. The whole whatever happens I will be okay thing. The whole I can do this! thing. And that maybe it’s not in my best mental-health interests to leave things to chance until I am 100% prepared to accept the outcome, whatever it may be. I mean, we’ve come this far and obviously “planned” as best as we can. So if we are going to go at it, then we have to reallllly go at it. Like with purpose. And be committed to not just the, um, act(s), but the aftermath. Because getting pregnant and having a child is a game-changer. No doubt.
I learned that my mental self is still working stuff out. And my physical self wants at least a few more months of running, putting nourishing whole foods into my body, and seeking a normal sleep routine. I will get there. I will. I feel strangely blessed that I am in tune with my shortcomings and anxieties. Even if they irk me. And that now I have some time to work through them. I think Craig feels the same way. I think he was pretty okay with learning that we aren’t in it to win it just yet.
Our minds can conjure up a million different what-ifs though. Man. I am very happy to say that I am taking a break from myself right now. I need it. Must dissociate. Phew.
On a lighter note, I find myself being way more mindful in a positive way. I have been intensely taking in the little things. Especially the weather. The warm breezes. The presence of summer. The taste of organic strawberries on my tongue. The comforting coo noises my niece made tonight when I held her after work. The rhythm of simple chores like loading and unloading the dishwasher. The amazing feeling of fresh, clean towels. The softness of a pillow when I lie my head upon it. The smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning.
I feel alert and alive. And I need this.
I got home tonight around 7:30 after visiting my sister and my twin nieces after work. I was excited that I got to see them. And I was psyched to roam the yard afterward. Craig wasn’t at home because he’d gone for an after-work bike ride. So I savored my alone time, pausing to watch the sun sink lower in the sky as crazy cumulous cloud formations hovered overhead. It never ended up thundering or raining, but I was content to walk through the yard and then hang out on the screened porch.
The bean plants are ready to trellis. And I think the watermelon plants are having a growth spurt. Pay no attention to the munched-on bean leaf on the right.
Our black cherry trees are starting to form fruit. Every year I say I'm going to do something with the cherries. I want to try a jam I think.
After wandering about and pondering life, I sat on the porch for a long while.
I called my older sister and chatted with her about my day. And then when I came inside, I realized it was still light out in the western sky at 9:20 p.m.
It has been—and still is—my intention to take in this summer to its fullest. Because summer is here, it is always short, and I am up for the task. I suppose my mind and body are along for the ride.
Tags: alone time, gardening, gratitude, pregnancy, summer
Posted in On the Subject of Parenthood, The Daily Balance, The Growing Season | 1 Comment »
sleeping, soccer, and sugar snap peas
Sunday, June 13th, 2010
It was a wet June weekend. It rained on and off all day Saturday and Sunday. It was the perfect weekend for sleeping in. And I did it pretty darn well.
I didn’t actually get out of bed until around 3:00 p.m. on Saturday. Granted I woke up prior to that, but I read for a bit and then fell back asleep multiple times. I’m not ashamed to bask in my laziness or indulgence in the good life. After all, I’m in the serious phase of contemplating life with kids. You certainly cannot spend your Saturday in bed til 3:00 with kids. So I will do it now, and I will do it well.
Once I finally managed to rouse myself from my sedentary, dreamy state, I lounged on the couch with Craig watching USA vs. England in World Cup Soccer. I don’t know if it was the game or what, but I finally decided to get active, be proactive, and go running. I did it! I managed to go out for a run in the rain! And I ran my “usual” 5-mile loop that I haven’t tackled in over 6 weeks. I ran slowly and steadily, taking in the steady drizzle and noticing all the smells of summer plants and rain-soaked earth. It was a very satisfying run. Definitely not my fastest. But really, what could I expect after such a long hiatus?
We spent Saturday night chillin’ on the couch watching random TV. I was nestled with my book, and I was so content to just hang out. Craig went to bed and I stayed up reading. And reading. And reading. I became suddenly aware that it was getting light out, and checked the clock to find out it was nearly 5:00 a.m. I stayed up all night reading. Am I in soon-to-be-pregnant denial or what? It was so wonderful to be so enthralled in my book. It was such a summer feeling to get caught up in the moment.
Next thing I know, I was wandering around outside taking in the change in light from night to morning. It was really foggy out, but the birds were chorusing loudly in the neighborhood. Dew was everywhere but the rain had let up. It was really magical out. And I was the crazy lady roaming my yard at dawn. I still didn’t want to go to bed, but I knew I’d be miserable later on if I didn’t crawl upstairs and shut my mind down.
I love weekends like this. They are at a premium, and I am so keenly aware of how they are becoming extinct. I am so happy to be this ridiculously indulgent—to lounge around and stay up all night reading.
When I woke up again it was nearly noon, and Craig and I got ready to head out to Hollis, NH, to meet up with my sister, her husband, their kids, his parents, and my parents to watch my almost 5-year old nephew’s final soccer game of the season. It was drizzly out again. But it was a lot of fun to hang out with our nephews.
Craig and the bug hangin' out.
Who doesn't love that end-of-the-season soccer medal? Goooooal!
After soccer, we trudged into the gray day to head off to Lull Farm, the local farm stand and nursery center in Hollis.
I was on a mission for strawberries, but the sticker shock was a little too much for me. Instead, I settled on some beautiful locally grown shallots.
And I seriously couldn’t contain myself when I realized they had garlic scapes for sale! I was hoping. I am only growing 4 garlic bulbs this year. And I gave one scape away to my mom. Which means I don’t have enough garlic scapes. Can you ever have enough garlic scapes? And here they were selling scapes by the bag! For $2.99/pound! Do they even KNOW the street value of these scapes? Come on! They were a steal!
Garlic scape jackpot!
We bought 2 bags for us and a bag for Craig’s mom. Then we went over his parent’s house to have an early dinner and see pics from their amazing trip out west to Banff, Lake Louise, Jasper, La Push, and a million other amazing places in Alberta and Washington. It was great to hang out with them and get caught up since they’d been gone for over 3 weeks.
Not a bad Sunday at all.
When I got home, I of course went out to have a look in our rain-soaked gardens. Even without the sun, there’s plenty going on.
Our banana pepper plants are starting to bloom. They are in pots.
Blooming sugar snap peas... the trellising is working!
The potato plants are about a foot tall now.
The lettuces are begging to be picked. So I started.
Fresh-picked romaine, mesclun, and baby spinach! Dirty!
I spent a long while getting the lettuces washed and dried and bagged so that they are ready to go in the fridge.
I love the different colors, shapes, and textures of this mix!
This weekend was so relaxing. And despite my incredible capacity to loaf, I did get quite a bit done. I cleaned the house, did 2 loads of laundry, washed dishes, paid the bills, read a bunch, saw my family and craig’s, went to a farm stand, and got lettuces ready to go for this week’s dinners. Works for me.
Tags: gardening, gratitude, lettuce, potatoes, pregnancy, running, spring, sugar snap peas
Posted in On the Subject of Parenthood, The Daily Balance, The Growing Season | 2 Comments »
maybe baby
Saturday, June 12th, 2010
Okay, okay… the whole to breed or not to breed subject is STILL very much on my mind. I’m swimming in a sea of both wonder, excitement, and trepidation and doubt. Ick. I don’t really know what the right answer is to work through it. I do feel like we are definitely already tipped in the baby direction. But because we do think and think and ponder and process, we are having ridiculously adult conversations about having children.
Is it selfish to have them? Is it selfish to NOT have them? Why do people have children? Why do people not question the impact of more and more children on the planet? What is the financial impact? What is the carbon footprint messiness involved in having yet another child? Aren’t there already so many children on the planet who need parents? What does it mean to mix our genes together like some sort of tossed salad?
And then in the middle of it all, we’re like… woah… it is a Friday night! After a long work week! Dude, do we really need to dwell on this?? Let’s hang out! Relax! Watch funny TV. Yeah… it’s like that. I just want to TURN OFF MY HEAD. Ya know?
I can easily look past all the wonder and worry and get really, really psyched about getting pregnant and having kids. But it’s the realist in me that has to dissect and question. I don’t know how to stop this inevitable process. It’s part of nearly everything I do. And yet, I do think I manage to eek out some sort of spontaneity in my day-to-day life. But this is the big shiz. This is the life-altering schtuff.
So anyway, in my poor swimming head today I went back to the used booked store to browse more pregnancy books. And lo and behold, there it was staring me in the face:
Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust,
Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Mad the Biggest Decision of Their Lives
This is the book my wonderful friend Megan recommended that I should read. I picked it up, read the forward, and was INSTANTLY hooked. Well, holy crap. You mean there are tons and tons of other men and women out there you have the same fears and concerns that I have? Well, of course. Duh.
Ahhhhhhhhhh…… This is comforting. And already I think this book is awesome. It all spawned from a series of posts and essays on Salon.com. Figures, right?
I am very much looking forward to chewing on this book this weekend. But let’s not forget the real brass tax: regardless of what I do and hem and haw over and decide, I need to get my body in a better place physically and mentally… whether I choose to get pregnant sooner or later or never. I haven’t forgotten. I can pretend and distract myself, but I have some serious work to do.
Posted in On the Subject of Parenthood | No Comments »
running & pregnancy
Thursday, June 10th, 2010
Yeah, that’s right. I bought this at my local used bookstore this week. And no, no, I’m not pregnant. I’m still not sure yet on a day-to-day basis about being ready for kids. I’m a wishy-washy mess. This purchase was all about preparation. Research. Sheer curiosity.
I paid $3.95 for the used book. Totally worth the money.
I do need to mention the fact that, as of late, I’ve taken a sad-yet-solid 6-week hiatus from running. Well, shoot. I’ve got to call myself out.
I have no good excuse to not run besides stress, tiredness, work, life getting in the way, work, tiredness, stress… you know… the same old, same old. Coming home from work and gardening stead of running. Coming home from work and going online. Coming home from work and crawling into bed instead of running.
I’ve been running regularly for 8 years, so I suppose I am allowed a break now and then. In fact, dare I say that my breaks have been great for me over the years, both mentally and physically. Running requires a certain mindset and physical will, and sometimes your body gets tired of it and you need a break in order to remember why you run and persevere.
Each time I take a break, I am so clearly reminded of the amazing benefits running gives my body, but waaaay more to my mind. Running keeps me balanced. Running gives me time to think and process. Running helps me to set new goals. It may take me 5 miles into it to realize all of this, but running is one of the very best things that has ever happened to me.
If you run regularly, you get it. And if you don’t run regularly, you can easily get it. All it takes is the courage to say: f* it. I’m going to start!
And you do.
You may run 10 steps the first time. Or the tenth time. You may run 3 miles the first day. Or 5. And then you may never be able to repeat it again for a month. THAT is running.
There is no constant in performance. There is only a constant in effort. You can easily push yourself to achieve a better time or a longer distance. But sometimes you just SUCK. You can go out there almost every day and run, or you can slack off and let your body go limp. Like me. No shame. It happens. If you run long enough you learn that you go through peaks and valleys in running and fitness.
So… I’ve been a little dormant lately.
But I know me. And I will crank it up. My body is ready, and I can tell because it is craving routine and running. I mean, hello! I went out and bought a RUNNING & PREGNANCY BOOK! On my WORK LUNCH BREAK. Man, my body wants me to be good!!!
I could have been wandering around Target! or Marshalls! They are right close to my work and full of amazing treasures. But no… I was in the used bookstore instead. Like a ridiculous Earth magnet was pulling me there for no obvious reason. I couldn’t stop myself and suddenly I was browsing the bookstore’s makeshift “pregnacy and child-rearing shelf”. Oye.
So this book says I can run while pregnant for as long as I feel comfortable! Clearly it’s time to get back in the saddle. It starts NOW. All part of the preparation. All part of the establishing and keeping good habits.
And, well, when it comes down to it… how else am I going to stay sane??? Run, baby, run.
Tags: pregnancy, running
Posted in Let's Get Physical, On the Subject of Parenthood | No Comments »